Magnolia Heart

Uncovering Beauty, Embracing Brokenness, Discovering Joy.

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Holding Space

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I am holding space…
For light to come.
For gentle nudges.
For words of kindness.
For new beginnings.
For love to grow.
For treasured friendship.
For stories yet told.
For listening close.
For last goodbyes.
For an unguarded heart.
For the full weight of loss.
For grieving deeply.
For angry weeping.
For lonely aching.
For wild wrestling. 
For limitations.
For growing slow.
For letting go.
For standing firm.
For battles worth fighting.
For forging forgiveness.
For beauty hunting.
For possibilities unfolding.
For creative wonder.
For God-sized dreaming.
For smiling faces.
For a hand to hold.
For a warm embrace.
For redeeming grace.
For joy to dance.
For a heart that laughs.
For child-like play.
For hands of healing.
For fresh hope rising.
For freedom unfurling.
For peace residing.
I am holding space…
to be held, to be loved,
right here, in this place. 

Finding Home

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“Life takes you to unexpected places, love brings you home.”
-Melissa McClone

As the plane took off I felt the all too familiar feeling that I was leaving those I love behind. I did all I could to hold back the tears. 

I remember this same feeling not so long ago, after only just getting to know our daughter, Hope. Robert and I boarded a plane back home, taking us across the wide world, leaving her behind. At that time, we were not certain when we would return to Bulgaria on our second trip to bring Hope home. We had to release any hold we had and surrender our daughter into the loving care of the One who is so much greater than our own understanding. We had to trust that she was safe and secure in our Father’s hands and that He would indeed bring her home to us. 

The beginning of April during Spring break, I had the pleasure of accompanying my youngest brother on a once in a lifetime adventure! Him and his family are moving to Ohio and he asked me to travel with him and his family pets (two rabbits and a dog) by car across the United States. His family took the train ahead of him. 

We set off early on a Monday morning and drove the longest stretch from California through Nevada, finally staying in Salt Lake City, Utah. On Tuesday we traveled to Cheyenne, Wyoming. 

On Wednesday we drove to Omaha, Nebraska. Then on Thursday we made our way through Iowa and Illinois, crossing the border into Merrillville, Indiana. 

On Friday, we took a much need break and had the amazing opportunity to drive into Chicago. There we soaked in the view of the skyline and stopped for the BEST PIZZA EVER—Chicago Deep Dish! Nothing can compare. 

On Saturday morning, we set off for the last leg of our adventure. Tired and a bit weary from the many miles of driving and staying in hotels mainly to sleep. Yet also feeling hopeful and excited to finally be reaching the place that my brother would now call home. His family waiting with anticipation, arms and hearts wide open to welcome us in.

By that evening we had arrived at our final distinction, Ohio. The place that I hope and pray my brother and his family can call home. A safe and secure place where their roots can settle deep and their hearts can find the security of a love that will always welcome them in. 

On the road, my brother and I saw many beautiful and interesting sites. The grander of the mountains, the great expanse of wide open spaces and the landscape drastically changing from state to state. We shared stories and reminisced over childhood memories. We talked about everything under the sun. My heart is full, as it was such a gift to have this quality and quantity time with my brother. 

The last few days of my trip , I enjoyed some hang out time with my niece, nephews, sister-in-law and brother. We had many laughs and special moments together. I was able to do a little house hunting with them and see some of the places that will make up the landscape of their new home. 

I will treasure these special memories always. Yet it was bittersweet to travel the long distance that will now separate our family from theirs. Each mile we journeyed, taking us further from the place we’ve always called home. Each leg of the journey, my heart having to slowly let go. Little by little, releasing my brother and his family into the hands of the God who calls them by name and has numbered each hair on their heads. The God who loves and cares for them far more than I can wrap my mind and heart around. His love knowing no bounds, traveling to the farthest reaches to bring His children home. 

As I flew across the wide expanse of our country back to California, I allowed myself to let go while simultaneously reaching out for more. With tender kindness, I was held in the balance, joy and sorrow only opposite sides of the same coin. 

My heart ached for those I had left behind yet I longed for home. I missed Robert and the kids and couldn’t wait to hug them all. I craved the familiarity and comfort that only home can bring. 

Even more so, a greater longing stirs within me, a deep rooted desire that even my earthly home cannot fulfill. My heart aches and longs for an eternal home. A home where my soul  settles in and roots deep and my heart finds the security of a love that will never let me go. A home that is far better than I can fathom this side of eternity. 

My heart often wanders and God’s presence can feel distant yet He sees me and He knows me. I can come as I am, no matter how weary, broken or battered I may feel. I have nothing to hide, no reason to run. He is patient and so kind. He never stops seeking after me. He is always near, always waiting. His love and delight shining on me. I need only to turn around and there He is, running towards me. His expansive wide-open arms waiting, ready to embrace me and welcome me home. 

““So the young son set off for home. From a long distance away, his father saw him coming, dressed as a beggar, and great compassion swelled up in his heart for his son who was returning home. The father raced out to meet him, swept him up in his arms, hugged him dearly, and kissed him over and over with tender love.” Luke‬ ‭15:20‬ ‭TPT‬‬

Rooted in Love

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“They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the Lord for the display of his splendor.”
Isaiah‬ ‭61:3‬b NIV‬‬

My mind races. My thoughts collide into one another. I feel powerless to stop the constant pounding noise. There is a storm brewing in and around me. It’s gale winds rage, they push and pull. This world is wild and uncertain. 

It is peace my mind craves. 
It is stillness my body longs for.
It is renewal my heart desires.
On my own, I am helpless. 

I reach deeper,
I grasp higher.
I seek after more,
more meaning,
more beauty,
more connection,
more striving,
more distraction. 

This reaching does not satisfy the unquenchable thirst. This grasping for more, it only depletes me. Leaving me hungry and hollow, parched and brittle.

Where can I go? 
Can I go down to the depths?
Can I reach up to the heights?
Even there, You are with me.
You hem me in, before and behind.*

Can abiding in Your presence be all that I need? 

Like a tree, reaching waters deep, rooting strong and stable. The storms they will come. I will sway and I will bend. My branches may break yet these wild elements will not uproot me. 

In you, I plant my life.
Your peace, seeps in.
Your grace, washes over me.
Your still waters, renew me,
sustain me, soothe my inner ache,
quiet my raging storm. 

I am a strong, established oak. 

My branches stretching wide, reaching high. My jewel colored leaves shining radiant in your glorious light.

I am shaded relief for a weary traveler.

I am a refuge against the harsh, unrelenting elements. 

I am a nourishing home for a growing family. 

I am a perch for a hopeful morning song.

I am rooted deep in your love. 

My inner life is hidden in the secure, unshakable grip of your eternal life-giving embrace. In your love, there is no beginning and there is no end. 

Only deeper,
only wider,
always more,
immeasurably more. 

“They will be like a tree planted by the water that sends out its roots by the stream. It does not fear when heat comes; its leaves are always green. It has no worries in a year of drought and never fails to bear fruit.””
Jeremiah‬ ‭17:8‬ ‭NIV‬‬

“And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God. Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us,”
Ephesians‬ ‭3:17b-20‬ ‭NIV‬‬

*Psalm 139:5-10

A Note about pictures: I decided to include some pictures taken way back in early August. I’ve been meaning to do this sooner but the days and months seem to blend into one another and I’m now getting around to it. 

August 14, 2020, my parents celebrated their 50th wedding anniversary. We had a simple, intimate (social distanced) gathering in our front yard under the shade of the magnolia tree. Three generations together—celebrating this momentous occasion. All ten grandchildren were there!!

A gracious friend took pictures. (Thank you again, Kelli!) It was such a beautiful and memorable day that we will always hold dear. I figured there could not be a better post than this one to share some photos from the day. 

Mom and Dad,

Here’s to 50+ years rooted in His love! You have weathered many storms together. We will get through this uncertain season as well. His love and care for us, our strong and secure foundation.

Beholding Joy

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“Joy is the experience of knowing that you are unconditionally loved and that nothing — sickness, failure, emotional distress, oppression, war, or even death — can take that love away.” -Henri Nouwen 

For me, joy has not been an easy concept to fully understand. Joy has felt like something I could miss if I was not paying close attention. Like a brilliant sunrise or a rainbow after a storm. It was breathtaking to behold but fleeting and intangible. 

In the last several years, I have begun to understand that joy runs much deeper and can be our constant and lasting companion. I have also come to understand that joy and sorrow are not separate from one another but are intertwined and in many ways joy is more clearly known when deep sorrow is experienced. 

I have experienced joy intertwined with sorrow on many occasions. In caring for cancer patients and their families and in different seasons of loss. One season that is etched into my memory and the fibers of my being was the year we lost my father-in-law. Now more than fifteen years ago, it still feels like yesterday. 

It was less than a week before thanksgiving and only two days after celebrating the baby shower of our firstborn. I was just a month and a half away from giving birth to our daughter, Grace. She would be the very first grandchild on both sides. Our whole family was overjoyed to welcome her. My father-in-law was no exception. When he would see me, he would greet me with a big hug and then cup my belly in his hands and whisper, “Hi, Gracie!”

We awoke to the call early on a Monday morning before dawn. I’ll never forgot my mother-in-law’s frightened words on the other line. We rushed to the hospital but were too late to say goodbye. He died suddenly in his sleep, there was nothing anyone could have done. 

We gathered with our immediate family and said our goodbyes around his silent hospital bed. He was no longer with us yet there was a pulsating presence that even in our deepest sorrow, joy was there and it felt tangible and palpable. 

I’ll never forgot leaving the hospital without my father-in-law and driving the short distance to my in-laws home. The sun was high in the sky, brilliant yet somewhat glaring and irritating. I remember thinking to myself, how could the sun shine so bright on such a dark day? How could life continue to move and breathe within me and all around me? It felt so wrong yet it also gave me a deep knowing that joy would not leave, even when the darkness felt thick and the sorrow unending. 

The year of 2020 has been relentlessly hard and there has been much to grieve. Loneliness has become a constant struggle for many of us. We as a nation have experienced great loss and heartache. Uncertainty and fear have felt at times like a dark, thick and unending fog that settles heavy on our hearts. 

Yet in all of this, we can behold joy because joy is not a fleeting feeling but a constant and abiding presence. True joy is not found in our circumstances, nor in people or possessions. Instead it is found in God who became flesh. Jesus chose to come for us, bringing His upside down Kingdom to a world desperate for rescue. Humbling himself so He could dwell among us. He took on skin, becoming acquainted with suffering and sorrow, radically living with and loving the misfits and outcasts. Laying down his life to bring us eternal life. 

Emmanuel, God with us. 

Behold, Jesus our Savior has come! 

He has come for the outcasts and misfits. He has come for you, he has come for me. 

He is our ever present friend, our constant companion. No matter how messy things get or how complicated our situation becomes, He will never leave us nor forsake us. We are His beloved and He is ours. We are His joy, His delight and it is in Him that we behold pure joy. 

Even on our darkest days, the light of His unconditional love shines upon us—brilliant and bright. 

“The people walking in darkness have seen a great light; on those living in the land of deep darkness a light has dawned.” Isaiah‬ ‭9:2‬ ‭NIV‬‬

“An angel of the Lord appeared to them, and the glory of the Lord shone around them, and they were terrified. But the angel said to them, “Do not be afraid. I bring you good news that will cause great joy for all the people. Today in the town of David a Savior has been born to you; he is the Messiah, the Lord. This will be a sign to you: You will find a baby wrapped in cloths and lying in a manger.””‭‭ Luke‬ ‭2:9-12‬ ‭NIV‬‬

Shelter of Hope

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“The very least you can do in your life is to figure out what you hope for. And the most you can do is live inside that hope. Not admire it from a distance but live right in it, under its roof.” -Barbara Kingsolver

More than a year before we were matched with our daughter in Bulgaria, God gave me her name. Our adoption journey lasted over four years from beginning our paperwork to bringing our daughter home. We had many mountain top experiences where we witnessed God provide for our needs in miraculous ways yet there were many valleys where the waiting weighed on our hearts and the darkness felt endless. Hope was hard to find at times yet hope was the shelter in which we lived under. It was the light in which we carried as a lantern, into the dark unknown valleys when our hearts ached, longing for God to lead our daughter home.

Many times, hope emerges from the darkest of places, from the grit and groining of an extended season of waiting. God gave me the name Hope after listening to this song. I had just come out of one of the lowest and darkest valleys of our waiting. The gift of her name was given to me right when the first signs of spring began to emerge from the cold bare ground of winter. In that moment, I felt seen by God and renewed in my waiting, more certain that His love and care were surrounding our daughter in Bulgaria.

The following Spring, when blooms and buds were bursting forth with new life, we received the long awaited call that we were matched with our daughter. In reading her reports, we discovered that the orphanage where she lived from birth was named Faith, Hope and Love Children’s Home. This knowledge gave us even more certainty that God’s plans are vast and His timing perfect. He was indeed sheltering our daughter inside the firm, unshakable shelter of hope, His relentless, unwavering love her one true home.

Now, more than two years after welcoming Hope into our home and family we are continuing to learn what it means to live firmly inside the shelter of His love and care. We have had numerous mountain top moments, so many milestones to celebrate yet the valleys have been deep and dark. I have filled out endless forms for assessments and appointments and when there are questions about Hope’s history, I can only write, “unknown”. There is so much of her past that is unknown and as I envision her future, I come against the resistance of uncertainty and fear.

Yet each day, I have a choice to make. Do I allow these fears to weigh me down, potentially crushing my spirit and stealing my joy? Or do l surrender all that I am not meant to carry and allow myself to live fully and freely, making my home right under the roof of my Father’s love?

When I look back on our adoption journey, I can see how God has provided in every way. When I reflect on how far He has brought our daughter, I am in awe of how much she has grown and the many ways she brings our family joy. When I remember that He created her inmost being, knitting her together in her first mother’s womb. He knows and tenderly holds each and every detail of her life, past, present and future. He has bestowed upon her a new name and a secure future in Him. When I think on these truths, I clearly see evidence of His faithfulness along every step of our journey. My heart again fills with gratitude, my strength and hope are renewed.

Faithful Father, you light the way when the path ahead is shrouded in darkness, when uncertainty lies around every corner. Your unfailing love gently leads me onward. Hope is never lost because in You, I am found. It is under Your secure, unshakable shelter that I discover my one true home. 

“Those who live in the shelter of the Most High will find rest in the shadow of the Almighty. This I declare about the Lord: He alone is my refuge, my place of safety; he is my God, and I trust him

He will cover you with his feathers. He will shelter you with his wings. His faithful promises are your armor and protection.”‭‭Psalms‬ ‭91:1-2, 4‬ ‭NLT‬‬

Note about pictures: It’s been a while since my last post so I wanted to share two mountain top experiences for our family from the last few months with you. The first group of pictures were taken on our late summer camping trip. Hope’s first time camping. She was so overtired but a very happy camper. 

The second group was taken recently on a road trip to Oregon. Our longest road trip as a family of seven plus Fritz. You can image our van was pretty cozy at best. We made a brief visit to Crater Lake and got to stay at a timeshare with an indoor pool!! So fun and a much needed getaway from the daily grind of at-home and online work, school and therapies.

Happy Thanksgiving to you and yours! I am so grateful that you are here, walking this journey with us. 

Returning to Rest

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“This is what the Sovereign Lord, the Holy One of Israel, says: “Only in returning to me and resting in me will you be saved. In quietness and confidence is your strength. But you would have none of it.”‭‭Isaiah‬ ‭30:15‬

Father God, your thoughts and plans are greater than mine. They are beyond my own understanding. You reveal the next step, light the path in front of me. I can not see into the messy, murky future. It is all too much to bear.

My frame was not made to carry the future. To hold on to something that has not come to pass. What I imagine, may never come to pass. The future holds no real weight yet it can make every moment feel impossibly heavy. Each step as if walking through thick, deep mud.

Lord, I give you the heavy weight of uncertainty.
I give you my fears and doubts.
I give you my disappointments and heartache.
I give you all my plans and desires.
I give you my greatest hopes and dreams.

I give you this moment, right here, where you dwell. This moment is certain, spacious, beautiful, light. There is no striving, no hurry or worry. Right here with you, I can breathe, relax, rest.

I stretch out my arms and I twirl. I am a small girl again. I spin round and round, my hair shining golden in your glorious light. Dizzy with delight, I fall into your arms. You gaze into my eyes with full understanding, rapturous joy, unending compassion and love.

Together we laugh,
deep, uncontainable,
uncontrollable belly laughs.

This world spins round and round, offering no rest for the weary. Yet there is rest in the turning, the returning to your wide open arms. You right my world, you still my spinning, you lift me out of the heavy muck and mire, you place my feet on solid ground.

I turn and there you are, always near. I match your gaze and I see clearly. Your rich treasures tucked into moments, slivers of heaven on earth found radiant in the here and now.

In returning to this spacious, wide open moment—you invite me to rest.

“Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you’ll recover your life. I’ll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me—watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won’t lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you’ll learn to live freely and lightly.” Matthew 11:28-30 MSG

Propelled by Love

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“Such love has no fear, because perfect love expels all fear. “‭‭ 1 John‬ ‭4:18‬a

There are no words that can really encompass all that we may be feeling in this time of so much suffering and injustice. I know for me, I feel the heavy burden of sadness and fear. There is much to fear, much to grieve, so much uncertainty and unrest.

Fear can paralyze, polarize and blind us. Our fight, flight, fawn or freeze response can kick in. When turned inward it becomes despair and depression. When turned outward it can become anger and aggression. Even so, fear is not all bad, it is an emotion that is God-given. Fear helps us remain alert and aware of the dangers we may be facing. It helps us to remain responsive to the welfare and safety of ourselves and others.

Fear when surrendered to the One without fear, the One who is only Love— will compel us and propel us to respond with compassion. To see with renewed sight the situation at hand and take action out of love.

We are each image bearers of God, each worthy of life, liberty, respect and love. We each hold great value to He who will leave the ninety-nine for just one. He who laid down His very life for the whole of this broken and battered world. He without darkness, only light. He without fear, only Love. He see us and is with us. He lifts us out of our fear, sets our feet on solid ground. On eagle wings, He renews us and propels us to love. Even one.

Lord, I want to see. Fear can blind me. Keep my eyes open, my heart soft and willing, awake and aware to the needs around me. Not only to those within my circle but also for the one who may be overlooked, oppressed, mistreated, vulnerable, weak and suffering. I am only one yet I am created in your image. Made to bear witness, hold space for, give voice to, helping to carry the weight of anothers burden. Projecting your light, compelled and propelled by your inclusive, all encompassing love.

“Jesus replied, “‘You must love the LORD your God with all your heart, all your soul, and all your mind.’ This is the first and greatest commandment. A second is equally important: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’”‭‭ Matthew‬ ‭22:37-39‬ ‭NLT‬‬

A Psalm of Deliverance

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“I love you, Lord, my strength. The Lord is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer; my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge, my shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold.”

‭‭Psalms‬ ‭18:1-2‬ ‭NIV‬‬

Lord God, our Good and Faithful Father, our Protector and Deliverer, do not wait, come to our rescue. Come into the mess this invisible virus has caused. Destroy it and set us free. Release us from the snare of fear, suffering and death.

This virus holds us captive, keeps us apart, behind walls, face masks and suspicious eyes. In broad daylight, it steals our mothers, fathers, grandparents, sisters, brothers and friends. It has taken life after life from our land. How long will it’s clutches hold us in it’s power? How long will this shadow of death loom dark and heavy, over us all?

Lord God, loving Father, liberate us, release us, from it’s relentless grip! Behind locked doors we sit, feeling alone, discouraged and afraid. Release us from this cage of despair. Give us humble, teachable hearts in this time. May we drop our defenses, stop striving for more than our portion. May we find ways to creatively connect across a six foot divide. May we learn to love more like you, giving generously of ourselves. We lean into you, we cling to you for our very lives. Let us not take one moment or a single precious life for granted. We are each made in your image, created and crafted to uniquely reflect your glorious light. Shining all the brighter when we rise united as one.

Lord, how long will we wait? How long before you come to our rescue? How long will we not hear the laughter of children ringing joyous in our playgrounds? How long will schoolyards remain silent, void of learning and life? How long before we can come together in holy worship gathering in your name, rising as one in scared song? How long will we fear for our livelihood, where our next meal will come from, how we will make it through another month without work?

Lord, we cry out for help! Deliver us so we may dance in the streets together once more. Let us freely gather, celebrating birthdays, weddings, anniversaries, births and graduations. Let us hold newborn babies so fresh from you, again embracing our loved ones tight. Let us sit, holding hands with our sick and dying loved ones. Let us mourn, let us come together to lament, to wail as one sacred cry. To bury our died, remembering and celebrating their dignified lives. We are made for each other, to gather as one. To draw near, to embrace, to hold each other in sickness and in health.

All powerful God, come with haste! Wipe out this virus and set us free! You are above all things and you hold all things together. You cup each of us in the hollow of your loving hands. From you comes deliverance, rescue into broad and spacious places. May we rise from the rubble, broken yet stronger, bound tightly to you and to each other. Bring your blessing upon your people. Bring your healing upon our land. Awaken our generation, move nations towards your redeeming, life-sustaining love.

I decided to write my own psalm after listening to this podcast and this one. I have felt discouraged and hopeless at times during this season of isolation, hardship and uncertainty, just as I’m sure we all have. I am learning that I can bring all my emotions to God. My thoughts and feelings matter to Him. He hears me and responds with kind, compassionate care. Delighting in me as His daughter—no matter how I am feeling or the condition of my heart.

May my words bring you hope and encouragement and maybe a bit of inspiration to write your own psalm. If you feel a twinge of inspiration to do so, I encourage you to pour out your heart, examining the many raw emotions you have in your current situation or with a broader focus, like mine.

“Writing and praying your own psalms will help integrate your mind and liberate your heart. There are four elements to many Psalms: intimate address, complaint, petition, and words of reorientation.”

adamyoungcounseling.com

I’d love to read your psalm if you would like to share. You can email me privately here or write directly in the comments.

Also if you have a favorite Psalm from the Bible, please share it in the comments (mine is below, Psalm 18:19). In sharing, my hope is that it gives us a way to connect and spur one another on. Even so, nothing beats a real-life, warm hug. I miss hugs from many of you.

With love and grace, I pray that this post refreshes and enlivens you in new ways as you lean in and cling to the God who is near to you, who hears, responds and longs to rescue you.

“He brought me out into a spacious place; he rescued me because he delighted in me.”‭‭

Psalms‬ ‭18:19‬ ‭NIV‬‬

P.S. Diane, the extra pics of Fritz are upon your request. I will do my best to include more in future posts.